Their parents knew how to guilt trip them to do anything.
However, you certainly don’t have to grow up with Asian parents to experience it.
After all, we all know what it feels like. Guilt trips are those nebulous feelings of things we “should” be doing, exacerbated by people like our parents, friends, and coworkers.
Maybe your parents are always telling you, “Don’t put me in an old folks’ home!”
Maybe your uncle always brags about how your cousin is at the top of her class — while you’re struggling to get Cs.
Maybe you want to quit your job but your boss makes you feel guilty about leaving while there’s a big project to finish.
Whatever it is, we’ve all been there — which got me thinking: What guilt trip stories do my readers have?
So a while back, I asked — and the answers I got back were hilarious and oftentimes haunting. That’s why today I want to share the 5 best reader answers to that question.
Here they are in no particular order.
Guilt trip #1: “Go home before 7pm or else I will die from heart attack.”
Hell hath no fury like a mom waiting for her kid to get home. Also props to this mom for pushing her guilt trip game to the next level. This is a super high stakes guilt trip.
Even if you know she’s just joking, you’re going to make sure you’re at home before 7 if your mom lays this line on you.
Guilt trip #2: “I understand. It’s not like I ever drove you to baseball practice, cooked you hot meals every night, helped pay for your private school tuition.”
Son-of-the-Year Award goes to you, Ryan. My god. Though if my mom laid on the guilt that thick (and she has before) I know I’d practically be running to go pick her up — though I’m not foolish enough to ever think I can rock cowboy boots.
Guilt trip #3: “If you love me, you’ll skip school.”
I can imagine parents guilt tripping you to get better grades and go to school, but this is ridiculous! Though, if you’re like most kids, there are worst things for your parents to be guilt tripping you to do.
Guilt trip #4: “You owe me, I bought you an engagement ring.”
What’s your favorite part about that? Mine is the “EX.” Good riddance. Nobody should ever feel pressured to lose weight PERIOD. Let alone for a dumb reason like some idiot bought you an engagement ring.
Guilt trip #5: “Are you sure you want to leave us like this?”
Ugh. This type of guilt tripping is absolutely infuriating. You should never feel like you have to stay in a job you hate just because your boss wasn’t smart enough to properly staff his company. That’s like staying in a crappy relationship because you’re afraid that breaking up will make the other person feel bad.
No matter what this boss says, it’s better for both the company, and more importantly your mental health, to leave the job.
Why guilt trips SUCK
No matter what shape or form the guilt trip comes in, you can rest assured one thing: They SUCK. They’re manipulative, gross, and only serve to leverage your emotions against your own self-interests.
BUT there is hope. If you ever find yourself caught in a guilt trip — whether it’s self-induced or brought on by a worried mother — you can get rid of all of your guilt by simply placing them in a worry vault.
The Worry Vaulttechnique to ending a guilt trip
Before you take your guilt-tripping parents and lock them away in a vault somewhere like an Edgar Allan Poe villain, you should know that the Worry Vault is more of a mindset.
Here’s how it essentially works: Focus on what you CAN control, and ignore what you can’t.
A large majority of us spend time focusing on things completely outside of our control. That’s why we love to complain about:
Politics
The economy
Taxes
Guilt-trip inducing relatives
Negative people
A great example of this happened a while back when I was about to appear on TV and had my very own makeup lady do my makeup for me (only the manliest guys wear makeup after all).
She said, “So you’re this finance guy, huh? You know they started taking $200 a week out of my paycheck!”
So I asked, “Who’s they?”
She replied, “The government, of course! What do you think I should do about it?”
And I just smiled and said, “You know, you could look into that…but let me ask you something: Do you have a 401k?”
She said, “Yeah.”
“Have you maxed it out?”
“I don’t know.”
“What about a Roth IRA? How much do you put in there per year?”
And she said, “I didn’t put in anything this year. Last year, I contributed a little.”
It was then she got the point: It’s easy to complain about what “they” are doing but it’s much harder to actually do something about the things you can control.
For example, Aimee from guilt trip #1 can tell her mom when she’ll be home safe, but she can’t make her mom do cardio to keep her heart in shape.
Use the Worry Vault
When it comes to actually implementing the Worry Vault technique, you might feel a little silly at first. I know because when I first implemented the technique, I couldn’t believe it myself.
I had been tossing and turning in my bed feeling guilty and worrying about silly things like, “Why did I say that embarrassing thing to that cute girl?” or “Why did I get a C on that last test?” Just kidding I never got Cs.
And then, I started to imagine a big, black area of space in my mind. Slowly, I let each of my worries drift into that corner. Soon, I decided to put everything in that corner into a little imaginary vault and closed the door.
I thought to myself, “I’m just going to deal with these issues tomorrow.”
And it worked. I fell right back asleep and the next morning, I felt energized and motivated to address the issues I had been worrying about.
I want you to do this the next time you start worrying or feeling guilty. And it doesn’t have to be a vault. It can be a box or a safe or your kitchen pantry. I don’t care! As long as it creates a strong image in your mind of you locking away your worries.
I know. This sounds weird and gimmicky and silly BUT IT ACTUALLY WORKS. Give it a shot yourself. Do this three nights in a row and I promise you’ll gain interesting results with this technique.
In my course Success Triggers, I talk about how to overcome the debilitating feeling of guilt through powerful habits. Below is the video from that course where I talk about just that. Check it out.
Stop feeling guilty with effective habits
To be a top performer, you need to be able to recognize when you’re feeling guilty and respond to it in a proactive way.
After all, successful people don’t just stew in their guilt. They systematically attack it and identify winning habits to avoid it in the future.
That’s why my team and I created the Ultimate Guide to Habits. In it you’ll learn:
How to set goals — the RIGHT way. Most people don’t know how to set good goals. They just think of something they want and then start “trying” to make it happen. When they don’t get what they want, they’re left wondering what went wrong. I’ll teach you the best way to set and reach your goals.
Creating a functional habit loop. Have you ever wondered why it’s so tough to make little changes in your life? And why some people seem to be able to do it with ease? I’ll teach you a simple system that makes forming and keeping new habits effortless.
How to make any habit last forever. Most are often left wondering, “Why did I lose my motivation?” I’ll teach you why relying on motivation is a loser’s game — and what to do if you ever get off track.
Imagine 30 days from today, jumping out of bed early with tons of energy. You actually LOOK FORWARD to the day — no more feeling frazzled or guilty for not doing enough the previous day — because of the new “peak performance” tools you’re using now.
Maybe you want to start eating healthier, or cook a meal once a week. Maybe you want to start a business, or even just read one book a month.
No problem. Start small. Pick one or two things to use these powerful techniques on, and watch what happens.
Just sign up below and I’ll send you a free copy of the Ultimate Guide to Habits right away.
Who knows someone whose house looks like it came out of some design blog? I’m talking about the people who make DIY centerpieces from their great-grandmother’s 3rd grade lunch box.
I have a friend with a place like that, and eventually it hit me why her apartment always looked so put together: She ALWAYS has fresh flowers all throughout her home.
I had to ask. She has a busy full-time job, so how does she buy and water and care for the roughly 4,126 flowers throughout her apartment? That’s when she confessed: She has fresh flowers delivered to her house every week. Amazing, beautiful, artisanal flowers from an NYC flower delivery service.
Keep in mind, this wasn’t a fancy office or a mansion, but her tiny NYC apartment. She spent money every month equivalent to her cable bill to be surrounded by fresh flowers.
And they looked great.
I loved it.
This is a great example of abundance: If you love the way flowers look and they make you happy, you don’t “save” buying flowers for a special occasion. You make sure you have them around you ALL THE TIME.
Man, this one really hit me because I used to do exactly that — “save” the things I love for a special occasion.
Abundance is one of those words thrown around by life coaches and woo-woo authors, but it’s taken me years to begin to understand what it really means.
I thought I’d share a few of my favorite examples of abundance. For me, the best way to internalize this concept was to learn from specific examples.
1. Ordering anything you want at a restaurant
When I was growing up, we ate out once every 4-6 weeks — maybe. And it was at a pizza place, with a coupon, where we’d share everything (including drinks). In my early 20s, one of the most abundant things I ever did was order an appetizer. The $5 didn’t really matter — but the psychological step did.
Now, I have a new philosophy: Whenever I take one of my coworkers out for dinner, I let them know that my rule is if they see ANYTHING they like, they have to order it. You think the squid and the salmon sound good? Order them both.
That’s abundance.
Sometimes you want 4 kinds of tarts.
2. Helping someone without expectation of ROI
When I used to go to marketing conferences, it was easy to instantly spot the leeches — the people who come up to you, pretend to make small talk, then get to the point: “So how many people on your email list?” This slimy feeling made me feel objectified, like I needed to take a shower. Is this what it’s like to be an attractive woman?
The VERY BEST people don’t need to “go in for the kill” the first time they meet you. That’s because they know they’re building a long-term relationship and — because they’re likable and have something valuable to offer — they’ll earn the right to build that relationship.
As a specific example, I take ~5 calls every week where I don’t need anything. Some of them are with beginning entrepreneurs who reached out through a warm connection to get advice. I love helping them. Some of them are people I want to build relationships with. They also take the calls without looking for direct ROI, because top performers know relationships trump all.
Here’s a tip on how to implement this: Reach out to someone who wrote something you loved — something recent, from the last month — and send them an email telling them why you appreciated it and how it changed your life. Don’t expect anything from it. Now do that 3x/week for a year.
That’s abundance.
3. Setting boundaries
Americans suck at setting boundaries. This is one of the reasons you see people complaining about how “overwhelmed” they are — yet if you look where they’re actually spending their time, it’s doing a bunch of stuff they don’t even care about!
I talked about our inability to set boundaries in a live presentation I did to 1,000+ people.
In the dating world, I see a bunch of men/women getting led on because they’re not willing to put their foot down and say, “No, that’s not cool.”
And I see a bunch of entrepreneurs wasting time chasing random Twitter/Pinterest accounts because they’re not willing to set boundaries with themselves/their teams and say NO. No, that’s not going to move the needle. No, we can’t keep saying “It can’t hurt” (it really can, because it’s a massive distraction). No, I’m not going to do a bunch of random things because some internet blog told me to.
Setting boundaries is, by definition, abundant because it means you have options. If you set clear boundaries around what you’re looking for and what you’re not, that startles people — because you must be really high-value to be that clear about it.
For example, when I tell you we’re not interested in playing in the $50 sandbox — we’d rather give our material away for free, or create something that people love paying $2,000+ for — that’s setting boundaries.
When you go to a meeting and they’re late, and you leave after 15 minutes, you don’t need to meet them next time. Boundaries mean you value your time more highly than almost anything else.
Boundaries also let you be fully present when you’re hanging out with friends or family or at work. “Discipline is freedom,” it’s been said. This is exactly what boundaries provide. But they’re extraordinarily hard to establish, because they mean turning down certain options.
That’s abundance.
4. Investing in yourself when you’re unsure of the outcome
Whenever I hear someone ask, “But how do I KNOW this will work for me?” I already know they’re doomed.
Loser psychology: “How do I know this will work for me? I’m a left-handed half-Chinese dude who’s gluten-free and I love kickball…do you have a case study of someone like that???”
Winner psychology: “I’ve done my homework and this looks good. I’m worth it and I’m smart enough to figure out how to apply this to my life.”
In short, they see learning as a process — a journey — not something they “reach.”
This is why I took a class on managerial accounting at Columbia — even though I have people who run my finance team!
It doesn’t need to be a 50k investment. It’s more about the mindset. I did these things when I had nothing and I’ll continue to do them even as I grow my business.
The best always look for ways they can learn, rather than worrying about all the snowflake-y reasons they can’t.
That’s abundance.
5. Get pedicures before your nails get out of hand
It might be getting a haircut, getting a pedicure, or getting a new pair of socks. Whatever. Abundance is getting one before you absolutely need it — before your nails look like the crypt keeper or your socks are threadbare.
You might say wasteful, but if it’s something you truly value, find a way to regularly incorporate it in your life.
You don’t have to wait until you absolutely NEED it — until your back is against the wall. As long as you can afford it and you value it, it’s OK to get something when you want it — not only when you need it.
That’s abundance.
* * * * *
I hope this helped. One of my goals is to take these random phrases that people throw around — “fear of success,” “giving value,” and “abundance” — and show you real examples to bring them to life.
You won’t find these anywhere else. They are a big thank-you for reading and a guide to living your definition of a Rich Life.
Homeownership is a major personal and financial goal for most young people. It’s also one of the biggest financial challenges. With real estate prices seemingly rising endlessly in the most desirable cities in the US and Canada, it can seem impossible to get a foothold in the market. As a result, many young people panic and rush to buy before they can really afford it. If you can’t afford to put 10% down, you can’t afford a home Sad news everybody: if you’re scraping together 5% to put down on a home (and struggling to even come with that), you’re not ready to become a homeowner. Homeownership is hella expensive, and this is true long after you get the keys to your new place. Virtually everyone focuses on getting together the down payment because it’s the largest upfront expense, but the ongoing costs of owning property — like repairs & […]
“[The] study found that as many as 34 percent of Americans have never even checked their credit reports. Princeton Survey Research Associates conducted the research in April, polling 1,000 adults.”
What. The. HELL?!
That means that nearly 110 MILLION Americans have never checked their credit score despite the fact that it’s essential for responsible financial planning — not to mention it’s an incredibly easy way to get started on earning a Big Win (i.e. IMPROVING your credit score).
It’s especially ridiculous when you consider the fact that improving your credit score is potentially worth nearly $100,000.
Consider two people:
Abby, who has great credit (760)
Derek, who has poor credit (620)
In their 30s, they decide to buy houses of similar prices. How much do you think they each pay?
Because Derek has poor credit, he’ll end up paying nearly $68,000 more in interestthan Abby — whose credit is awesome.
And yet, nearly 100 million Americans are willing to forgo checking their credit score because…why? Why won’t people take that simple step and get on their way to living a Rich Life? From my experience, it boils down to two reasons:
People don’t know HOW to check their credit score
People feel guilty about their credit situation
Today, I’m going to show you the exact steps you can take to address these two issues — and how you can even get started IMPROVING your credit score.
How to check your credit score
Before we get started on how exactly you check your credit score, there’s an important piece of information you need to know: Your credit score is NOT the same thing as your credit report.
Many people conflate the two or seem to think that their credit report will provide their credit score information — when this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Here’s a detailed description of both as well as how exactly you can access your credit score:
What is a credit report?
This is an all-inclusive report detailing your credit history. It’ll include information such as your:
Loan history
Accounts opened and closed
Payment history
Credit balance
You’re entitled to a free credit report each year, per the Fair Credit Reporting Act. Generally, though, you’d want to request one of these if you think you’ve been unjustly denied anything due to your credit.
To get a free credit report, there are three major companies that will provide them for you:
It doesn’t matter which one you use, they’ll all be able to provide you the same information. The report is the data used to calculate your credit score.
What is a credit score?
Your credit score is an actual number — the same number that renters and lenders will utilize in order to assess how safe it is to have you as a customer.
And while your credit score and credit report are two entirely different things, your score comes from the information in your report. The actual number is determined by the following information and their associated weight in relation to your score (credit score formula courtesy of Wells Fargo):
Payment history: 35%
Amounts owed: 30%
Length of credit history: 15%
How many types of credit in use: 10%
Account inquiries: 10%
Checking your credit score is incredibly simple. There are a seemingly endless amount of sites and services out there that’ll provide you your credit score, but here are a few notable ones that will provide you your score for free:
Your credit score will be within a range of 300 and 850. The range determines whether or not your score is solid — but a good rule of thumb is the higher your credit score, the better you’re off.
Below are a few ranges from Experian and what it may mean for you.
850 – 800: This is a fantastic spot to be with your credit score. Rest assured, if you’re here, you’ll have no problem securing a loan or a good down payment percentage on your home.
799 – 740: Though not the top spot, this is still a very good area to be. You’ll be offered great rates here.
739 – 670: This is an okay credit score range — though not great. With a few small changes, you could easily bring the score up. Focus on closing unused accounts and consolidating loans first.
669 – 580: This is when you should start worrying. If your credit score is here, you’re considered a subprime borrower and won’t get very good rates at all. Reduce your debt load and work on your payment history in this band.
579 – 300: Here you’re likely not to be considered for a loan at all and will run into numerous issues with things like getting approved for apartments. You should find a non-profit credit counselor and ask for help.
If your credit score falls below 580, you’re going to want to do all you can to improve it ASAP. Below are my absolute best resources on getting out of debt and improving your credit score:
One of the most common reasons people don’t look into their financial situation — whether it be through their credit scores, bank statements, or credit card bill — is simply because they feel guilty about it.
It’s called the paradox of guilt and many people don’t even realize it’s happening to them before it’s too late.
After all, how often have you talked to a friend about working out, saving money, or studying for school and heard them say something like, “Yeah, I know I really should be doing that but…” followed by some lame-brained excuse as to why they’re procrastinating on something important?
“I know I really should be doing that” is just code for “I’m not going to do that at all.”
It’s the same with people in credit card debt — many don’t even know how much debt they have! They’d rather avoid their statements and bury their head in the sand than face the reality of how much they owe.
Which is why if you truly want to stop feeling guilty about your credit score, the first step is being honest with yourself and facing the truth: Your credit score sucks.
BUT there’s another bigger truth you need to understand:
You can ALWAYS make your credit score better.
It’s true. It doesn’t matter how bad your credit score is or how much debt you’re in. If you’re willing to follow a few straight-forward systems and apply some patience, you’ll be able to turn that credit score around. I promise you that.
I want to show you an exclusive video from my premium course, Success Triggers. It’s about defeating guilt and enjoying the things that make YOU happy.
After all, we’re constantly told what we should do. It’s important to reward ourselves when we work hard and earn something.
Improve your credit score — and live a Rich Life
Once you’ve checked your credit score, congratulations! You’re well on your way to improving your credit score and living a Rich Life.
But your credit score is only a small part of that journey.
Download a free copy of my Ultimate Guide to Making Money to learn my best strategies for creating multiple income streams, starting a business, and increasing your income by thousands of dollars a year.
Just enter your name and email below to get instant access to the Ultimate Guide to Making Money.
Do you ever have one of those days where it just seems like you can’t get ANYTHING done?
It typically starts out with a clear goal in mind like “I’m going to go for a run today” or “I’m going to finish that big client proposal,” only to end with you endlessly browsing Reddit or Netflix.
I bet you know this feeling well. Hell, you’re probably reading this because you’re procrastinating on doing something right this moment — and that’s actually fine. I’m not going to lecture you to finish your goals for the day and I definitely won’t act like I haven’t been there before.
What I am going to do is show you the EXACT steps you can take to demolish procrastination.
A while back, I asked readers to share stories about their difficulties focusing — and the answers I got back were haunting.
“Everything tugs at you at every moment, and all day. It’s very hard to concentrate. And at the end of the day it feels like you’ve been at a stair machine all day.” – Rafa
“I started feeling ‘fuzz’ — not the brain fog fuzzy — just difficulty in bringing things I know I know to mind.” – Elise
“I have talked myself out of doing an MBA because, despite the fact that I loved studying back in university and worked as an analyst, I feel like I am either not smart enough or not focused enough to do an MBA.” – Jamie
Notice something about these quotes? Procrastinating on one task often compounds into not moving a single thing forward.
This is like sitting down to a humongous to-do list, getting overwhelmed, and then saying SCREW IT before binging eight straight hours of Netflix.
And when that happens, many repeat the same tired excuses like “I just don’t have enough time in the day,” or “I’m just feeling way too lazy today,” that we’ve all heard before ad nauseum!
When the fact is, if you want to truly stop procrastinating, you have to come to terms with two salient truths of productivity:
Truth #1: We all have the same amount of time in the day — so STOP BLAMING IT. It doesn’t matter if you’re Bill Gates or a mother of two. You just need to learn how to manage your time better (more on that later).
Truth #2: You don’t have to be an emotionless robot in order to stop procrastinating. Focus and time management are about mindsets and simple — yet powerful — shifts in how you approach your to-dos.
Today, I want to give you five systems that you can use to stop procrastinating and feeling lazy…and start being more productive instead.
Procrastination ending system #1: Take an Honesty Bath
How many times have you said something like this to yourself?
“Ugh, I’m tired. I’ll go to the gym AFTER work.” (Said before heading to do work that completely saps you of the energy to do anything besides sit on the couch for the rest of the day.)
“Ok, for real. I’m not going to eat junk food tonight.” (Said while getting dressed to go out, knowing you’ll be drinking six vodka tonics and passing by your favorite pizza place on 6th Ave. And let’s be honest: You’re DEFINITELY eating a slice or twelve tonight.”)
“I’m going to wake up early tomorrow.” (Said while browsing Facebook at 9pm…only to be doing the same thing 5 hours later.)
Instead of lying to yourself, take an Honesty Bath.
As a bachelor living in Manhattan, there’s nothing more relaxing than sinking into a bubble bath, putting on some candles and Richard Marx, and melting the day’s stresses away.
Um…what I mean is, I get BRUTALLY HONEST about myself. This means I look back at the last month and say, “What did I claim I was going to do? What did I REALLY do?”
And then. In classic Getting Things Done style, I do these:
Delete
Defer
Do it
If I say that I’m going to wake up every day at 7am, but every morning, I just slap the snooze button until it’s 8am…I’M NOT GOING TO WAKE UP AT 7AM!
Delete!
If I claim I’m going to make my bed every morning, but I have a huge project at work and I haven’t worked on it in the last three weeks, I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE MY BED WHILE THIS CRAZY PROJECT IS HAPPENING.
Defer!
This takes a lot of fortitude and self-awareness since you have to be ruthlessly honest about your strengths and weaknesses, and look to your past behavior to predict your future behavior. If you find yourself using the word “just” as in “I’ll just start next week” or “I’ll just try harder this week” then you’ve already lost.
Action step: See what goals you set for yourself in the last month and write them all down. Go through the list and see which ones you actually accomplished and which ones you didn’t get to. Then refer to the three Ds to see which ones you’ll delete, defer, or keep doing.
The best part? Once you make the decision, you can live GUILT-FREE and use your energy to commit to things you’ll actually do — which brings us to…
Procrastination ending system #2: Letting go of guilt
It’s interesting how people fall into the paradox of guilt — and don’t even realize it’s happening.
After all, how often have you talked to a friend about working out, saving money, or studying for school and heard them say something like, “Yeah, I know I really should be doing that but…” followed by some lame excuse as to why they’re procrastinating on something important?
“I know I really should be doing that” is just code for “I’m not going to do that at all.”
It’s the same with people in credit card debt — many don’t even know how much debt they have! They’d rather avoid their statements and bury their head in the sand than face the reality of how much they owe.
Which is why if you truly want to stop procrastinating and become a productivity machine, you need to be honest with yourself and hold yourself accountable.
Action steps: When you DO feel guilty, don’t run away from it. Instead, follow these four steps to overcome it.
Step 1: Acknowledge the guilt.
When you realize that you feel guilty about something you’re putting off — like not hitting the gym or saving up for retirement — I want you to just take a moment and acknowledge the feeling. Recognize your guilt and ask yourself what is making you feel guilty. That leads us to…
Step 2: Use the “five whys” technique.
This technique comes from a Japanese industrialist named Sakichi Toyoda. He developed the method in order to find solutions at the root of recurring issues related to his manufacturing plant and helped blow up his company into a household name — you might have heard of it: Toyota Motors.
At the heart of the technique is the question “why?” The idea is that most all problems can be solved by asking “why” five times — sometimes even less — and getting to the root issue.
Say you feel guilty because you’ve been meaning to open an investment account but haven’t. You can utilize the technique like this:
Why do I feel guilty?
Because I haven’t opened an investment account.
Why haven’t I opened an investment account?
Because I don’t even know where to start.
Why is that?
Because I bought an investment book years ago and haven’t read it yet.
Why haven’t I read it?
Because it’s in a box in my basement underneath the Christmas decorations.
See what happened? In less than 5 whys, we figured out how to begin solving this HUGE issue with just one step: taking the time to find a book. Now this person knows the first step to getting started with his investments.
Step 3: Write it all down.
Take everything from steps 1 and 2 and write it all down — your guilt, each of the whys you asked, and how you can solve everything. This will help you get a clear understanding of how your mind works when it comes to guilt and problem solving.
It will also give you a good place to go back to when you decide to finally solve the problem — which brings us to…
Step 4: Take action…tomorrow.
That’s right — this is Ramit-approved procrastination. Once you write everything down, I want you to step back and give it some space.
Because we’re HUMANS — and as humans we are naturally cognitive misers and have limited willpower. Just doing the five whys and investigating your guilt takes a lot — so just pick it up later when you’re fresh and ready to take action. I suggest setting aside some time in a day or two so you don’t keep pushing it off.
I want to show you an exclusive video from my premium course, Success Triggers. It’s about defeating guilt and enjoying the things that make YOU happy.
After all, we’re constantly told what we should do. It’s important to reward ourselves when we work hard and earn something.
The next time you find yourself saying something like “I’ll get to it later,” stop and evaluate why.
Maybe it’s not a priority for you right now. Maybe you just don’t want to do it. Both of these thoughts are perfectly fine. You’ll save everyone a lot of time and effort by recognizing and acting on what’s really going on.
Procrastination ending system #3: Learn how to say no
A few years ago, I went to my cousin’s wedding in India and saw one of my friends order his food in fluent Hindi. I was impressed, so I thought, “Hmm I should take Hindi lessons. That way, I can become fluent and impress people too!”
So when I got back to NYC I put it on my to-do list…
…where it stayed for MONTHS. Every time I saw it, I would skip over it and put it off.
I always told myself that I’d get to it the next week…then the week after that…and then the week after that.
After a few months of deferring, I had a realization: I really didn’t care enough to try and learn Hindi. It just wasn’t important enough to me. I was procrastinating because I really didn’t want to do the task in the first place.
When I acknowledged I wasn’t going to learn Hindi and crossed it off my list, it was like a small burden lifted from my shoulders. It freed me up to focus on doing the things that I really wanted to do.
Procrastination ending system #4: If it’s not on your calendar, don’t do it
I even take saying “no” a step further, and actually SCHEDULE it into my calendar. These designated “no times” are areas of the day that are reserved purely for strategy and research. That means:
No meetings
No calls
No emails
At first, I just carved out a few hours on Wednesday to do this. Then it expanded to a half-day. Now, whenever I have ANY task I make sure to put it on my calendar and use that time just to focus on that one task.
If it’s not on my calendar, it doesn’t exist.
Look at this one item:
This is a random to-do that I would normally put in the back of my head… and it would never get done. Instead, I added it to my calendar so it always gets done.
Action step: Stop putting things on your “to-do” list that just lead to more procrastination. Instead, schedule actual time for them. Here’s a few real items from my calendar:
Call cable company
Clean stupid box of papers
Mail letter to friend
Advanced tip: You can set up weekly, monthly, and quarterly “to-dos” for things like reviewing your systems, planning an annual negotiation, or even checking in on your relationship.
Procrastination ending system #5: Set SMART goals
The SMART goal is the be-all, end-all solution to our goal setting issues and can help you escape the prison of procrastination once and for all.
After all, how often have you set a New Year’s Resolution — and have it completely fail by the end of the year?
That’s because the problem with typical goal setting is that the goals set are too broad — and you have no idea where to start.
That’s why I’m a big proponent of SMART objectives.
SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-oriented. And with each element in SMART objectives, you’re going to want to ask yourself a set of questions that’ll help you develop a winning goal.
Specific. What will my goal achieve? What is the precise outcome I’m looking for?
Measurable. How will I know when I’ve accomplished the goal? What does success look like?
Attainable. Are there resources I need to achieve the goal? What are those resources? (eg gym membership, bank account, new clothes, etc)
Relevant. Why am I doing this? Do I really WANT to do this? Is it a priority in my life right now?
Time-oriented. What is the deadline? Will I know in a few weeks if I’m on the right track?
Here’s a good example of how a SMART goal is better than just regular goal setting:
A few years ago, when I was feeling overwhelmed. I was in the middle of writing my book, building my business, and was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
One of my friends asked me, “What’s your number one goal?”
The question made me nervous so I didn’t want to answer. I was afraid if I said my single most important goal, I’d be closing doors to all of my other goals — which were many.
So I told him, “I want to be a bestseller, but I also want to generate $X million in revenue and I want to do this publicity and blah blah blah —” He cut me off and said, “Cut the BS. What’s your number one goal?”
Again, I hedged. But he pushed me and forced me to get crisp. I said, “I want this book to be a New York Times bestseller.”
There it was. We hate giving ourselves constraints because it feels limiting. It feels like we’re giving something up, and that’s exactly what it felt like in that moment.
However, it’s also freeing at the same time. Once I actually said out loud that I wanted to become a New York Times bestselling author, it became crystal clear what I needed to do in order to achieve my goal. I focused all of my attention on those things.
If you want to become successful — in any area of your life — you have to have that kind of focus.
The person who told me to get specific was my good friend Noah Kagan. Noah’s a master at helping people (and himself) get laser-focused on their goals. Pay special attention at 3:53 where he talks about the strategy that he learned from Mark Zuckerberg that has brought him success.
Bonus: If you want to stop making excuses and break yourself out of a rut, download my Ultimate Guide to Habits.
Advanced systems: Create habits you can stick to
As you may have noticed, our struggles with time management and productivity are really struggles with creating habits — which is why I put together the very best material on setting goals, creating habits that stick, riding motivational waves, and getting back on track if you ever fall off.
If you’re ready to stop making excuses, break out of that rut, and make a major change in your life, this free guide is for you.
Take a look at what’s inside:
How to wake up productive and get more done by noon than most people do all day (covered in Part 2)
“If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d ____.” I’ll teach you how to keep accomplishing goals even when you “don’t feel like it” (covered in Part 3)
Ever spent a busy day filled with distractions — answering emails and putting out fires — and walked away feeling like you finished nothing? I’ll show you how to stay laser-focused on tasks and eliminate distractions (covered in Part 6)
This guide includes HD videos, downloadable worksheets, lessons from the world’s leading experts on behavioral change, and much, much more.
So check it out. Try out the techniques. And enjoy the results you get for the rest of your life.
Remember — building even one new habit around your fitness, your business, or your relationships could change everything. This guide shows you how to build those habits and much more.
Quick announcement: Over on GrowthLab, I’m releasing an e-book through Amazon about starting and growing an online business — and you can pick it up today.
It’s called Your Move: The Underdog’s Guide to Building Your Business and it’s on sale for a limited-time price of $0.99. Why so cheap? I don’t care how much money I make — I just want to get this e-book in as many hands as possible. Not only because I’m the most generous and benevolent person you know, but because I’ve seen how this material makes a difference in people’s lives.
And so far, people are excited. The moment we announced pre-orders, it rocketed to the top of the Amazon best-sellers list.
Take THAT Neil deGrasse Tyson.
In the e-book, I wrote tons of brutally honest stories about my biggest mistakes, the unexpected lessons I learned, and the proven systems to build businesses that last. Things like:
The #1 way to charge more, sell more, and make your customers happier at the same time
How to position yourself as an expert when you don’t have fancy credentials
The magical, million-dollar words to look for when talking to customers
My “10X productivity” system for creating the time to generate automatic revenue
And most importantly, how to lead a Rich Life by starting your own online business, even if you don’t know where to start.
My team and I have been working hard, and I think you’ll love it — especially if you’ve been meaning to start an online business and need a little kick.
Want in? Click below to buy the e-book and have it in your hands in seconds.
Many millennials want to become parents, but their finances are holding them back. The combined burden of student loan debt and sky-high housing prices make having a family seem like an unaffordable dream, but it doesn’t have to be. It might take some dollar stretching and extra budgeting, but you can afford to have the family you want — you just need to save for it! Start your Baby Fund now You have an Emergency Fund, you have a Retirement Fund, and now you need a Baby Fund. Ideally, you would start this before you even begin trying to become pregnant, but even if you find yourself with an unplanned baby like yours truly, a Baby Fund is a crucial first step to ensuring your family starts off on the right financial foot. A Baby Fund is a dedicated savings account to afford all pregnancy, birth, and child-related expenses. This is where you’ll save […]
It’s been a crazy couple of months for me. Since April, most of my time has been dedicated to selling our condo and buying a new home. Now, at last, the turbulent times are almost over. Kim and I closed on the condo last week, and we’ll close on the “country cottage” next Monday. On July 1st, we’ll move to the new place and a new chapter of our lives will begin.
As some semblance of normalcy returns to my world, I’ve been sorting through my Money Boss inbox. I love reading what you folks write to me (even if I don’t always respond!), especially when you share your goals and dreams for the future.
Debt is Slavery
For instance, here’s part of a message from a woman we’ll call Irene. Irene recently experienced an epiphany:
I see my parents, both of them tired and still worrying about the money. I see people in my country, counting days to retirement yet dreading the date like it’s some kind of an invisible curse that cuts off their pay by a large margin they now have to live with from month to month, even asking for a federal support to make the ends meet. I see young people whose potential is squandered just because they are slaves to the system they were told about — go to school, finish it, find a job, work your part until retirement, and then, if you’re lucky, you have ten to twelve years to enjoy…probably.
I see all that…and I want more out of my life than simply be a part of a rat race we all are invariably losing. I want to be that girl who dared to dream the impossible and then realized it.
I love it! It’s email from money bosses like Irene that keeps me motivated to continue doing the work I do.
In this case, Irene’s message struck a deeper chord with me. It reminded me of my own struggles with money.
When I was younger, I lived paycheck to paycheck on an average salary. I was deep in debt. I had no savings. I spent every penny I earned. Like many folks in similar circumstances, I felt chained to my job. I felt like I had no options.
“Debt is slavery,” argues Michael Mihalik in his book of the same name. “You drag yourself out of bed and go to work because you have to.” You have a mortgage, a car payment, credit card bills, student loans, and other financial obligations. If you don’t go to work, if you don’t keep earning money, you risk financial ruin.
Most people believe this is simply how life works. It’s the price you pay to live in a modern society. And because most people allow themselves to accept these financial burdens, they’re chained to their jobs. They lack freedom. They’re unable to take risks.
But most people aren’t money bosses. You are.
The Key to Financial Freedom
Because you’re a money boss, you recognize that it’s up to you to escape the chains of debt. You know that the key to financial freedom can be found through a simple concept: profit margin, the gap between what you earn and what you spend. And the best thing about profit margin is that it buys you freedom both today and tomorrow.
The greater the gap between your earning and spending, the more freedom you have today. This profit margin gives you power — power to make choices that might otherwise be unavailable to you.
At the same time, profit gives you greater freedom tomorrow. When you earn more than you spend, you’re able to set aside savings. This savings — your accumulated profits — grants you a wider range of options in the future.
The more money you save, the more freedom you have, and the greater risks you can take. As your financial independence increases, you chip away at the wall of worry. You’re able to make decisions based on happiness rather than dollars.
Remember my roadmap to financial freedom?
A lot of folks think financial independence is a fixed point. It’s not. Financial independence is a process, with different stages along the path to complete freedom. As you reach each stage, it’s as if you’ve gained a key to unlock another chain that has tied you down.
When you reach solvency, for instance, you obtain the key that unbinds you from depending on others for financial support. When you reach stability, you unlock the chains of consumer debt. When you reach agency, you’re no longer shackled to your job. And so on.
This is not just theory. This is how money works — not just for me, but for you as well.
Buying Freedom
My inbox is filled with examples of folks who have managed to shed their financial shackles to one degree or another. For instance, another money boss — let’s call her Marie — wrote to say that she’s in a precarious position at work. There’s conflict, and she’s worried about her job. But because she’s managed to boost her income while trimming her expenses, she’s less worried than she might have been in the past.
This is a terrific real-life example of the security that comes when your work as a money boss comes to fruition. If she were in debt and/or spending exactly what she earned, Marie would feel stuck in a job that’s causing her stress. But because she’s paid off her debt and has accumulated some savings, the work conflict isn’t as scary. She knows that if she leaves her job, she’ll be fine for a while. She’s bought a degree of freedom.
No matter where you are on the road to financial freedom, I urge you to continue making smart choices. Remember to manage your life like a business. Ruthlessly guard against unnecessary expenses. Boost your income whenever possible. Never forget that your goal is to remove the chains that hold you back, to gain the freedom to do and be who you choose.
Do you ever feel like you’re on the outside looking in? Like everyone has a ton of friends except you?
I totally get it. I’ve had these moments too before I learned how to become popular. I think everyone has — even Kevin Bacon, the paragon of connectedness, didn’t get recognized at the premiere of Animal House even though he was IN THE MOVIE.
When I was a teenager, I was awkward and skinny, and I talked too fast. Take a look:
This is not a picture of one of the popular kids
Now check me out in college.
The good news is that it gets better. I now feel confident, not awkward. I get invited to speak at conferences….
…and I even got accused of taking steroids because of the way I look now.
One of the best moments of my life. This random Redditor accused me of using steroids (PEDs = performance-enhancing drugs) because of how I look. It hurt my feelings so much I started crying at the gym.
So how did the skinny/shy dude in those photos become popular, a confident CEO and best-selling author who got into the best shape of his life? He applied a system of habit change to become more outgoing.
There are really just a few steps. I learned to pay attention to the people I was talking to. I studied charisma. I spent a lot of time working on conversation. And I networked to meet other people. These are the tools of popularity.
#1: Popular people pay attention
A little bit of empathy makes it easier to make new friends and meet people.
Often times, when we approach a social situation, we’re thinking about what WE can get out of it — instead of considering the other person.
The trick then is to go into conversations with the mindset of a curious beginner. Be inquisitive and pay attention to how they respond. Ask questions when you don’t understand something and don’t be afraid to ask follow-ups. Just don’t get too repetitive or too personal.
By doing this, you’ll actually make other people feel comfortable when you ask a question everyone else wants answered. And the person you’re asking will be thrilled to elaborate.
#2: Ask people for help with popularity
Unfortunately, no one will tell you if your social skills need work. That’s why the best way to improve your social skills is to ask for feedback. Feedback reveals hidden habits and insights you’d never notice on your own.
One of the experts on behavioral feedback is Michael Ellsberg, author of The Education of Millionaires. I want to share an excerpt of an interview I did with him where he discusses how asking for feedback transformed his life. Pay special attention to how he transforms negative feedback into life-changing improvements.
Yes, this is hard to do! Not everyone has the courage to ask for feedback. Not everyone has the courage to try to improve themselves. But if you try, you’ll find most people are eager to help and that even a few small improvements will have a major impact on your life.
#3: Learn and practice charisma
I used to believe that some people are born with charisma and some people aren’t. That some people are just natural at making new friends and public speaking — and the rest of us were stuck feeling awkward. But I was wrong.
The truth is EVERYONE can learn to be charismatic.
Charisma is a skill, and like any other it can be learned, honed, and mastered. It takes practice (like the charisma games at the bottom of this article).
Charisma is powerful and it makes the people around you feel special. Use the techniques from this article and you will see positive changes in the way people react and engage with you.
How to make a good first impression using charisma
Let’s say there’s a world-class chef who’s about to cook you the best omelette you’ve ever had. It should be easy to crack a few eggs right?
Now break down every step that that chef has to go through. That chef has to:
Choose the eggs
Heat up the butter in the pan to the perfect temperature
Break the eggs without any shells falling in
Whisk them so they’re broken up — and yet not too runny
Choose fresh vegetables
Chop them up with expert precision
Pour the eggs in pan while making sure that all the sides are even
You get the idea. Each of these seemingly simple elements were areas that the chef had to master — drawing upon years of experience in order to create a fantastic omelette.
Charisma is the exact same way. You can learn to be great at small talk or you can be a master of body language, but if you don’t make sure you’re training all of your individual “muscles” you won’t truly be charismatic. One of those “muscles” is small talk.
#4: Master small talk and make a good impression
“But Ramit, I HATE small talk! Why can’t I just get straight to the point?”
Small talk is a CRITICAL part of life and building relationships — it’s what helps people get to know each other, establish meaningful connections, and lay down the foundation for great long-term relationships.
The term “small talk” is actually a complete misnomer because of its HUGE impact on forming relationships and developing unshakeable confidence. As such, it takes a lot more care and nuance than just getting right down to the point.
If you walked right up to a CEO you admired at a mixer or convention and said, “I REALLY LIKE YOU. GIVE ME A JOB, PLEASE!” how do you think she’d react? She probably wouldn’t give you that job.
But if you went in with some care, and drew her into an amazing conversation and THEN asked her for a job (or better yet just advice or a coffee meeting), she’d be a hell of a lot more susceptible to it.
The trick is taking an active role in the conversation. Help it flow in the way you want it to go.
So, what do you say then? What happens when you’re at an event or party and see somebody you want to talk to…but don’t know how to get a discussion started?
There are actually 3 lines you can use to start a conversation. And no, these aren’t pick-up lines or “negging” or whatever skeezy seduction tactics other “experts” try to sell you. They’re simple, effective lines to help you jumpstart a great conversation.
Conversation starter #1: “What brought you here?”
Very simple and straightforward. And after they reply, you’ll have an opportunity to follow up with them based on their answer. Here’s an example:
YOU: Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Ramit. What brought you here?
THEM: Hi, Ramit! I’m John. I’m actually here because I know the founder of the blah blah blah.
YOU: Oh really, how do you know them?
And the conversation just flows from there.
Conversation starter #2: “Hi, I’m [NAME].”
Yes. This one really is that simple.
Remember: It’s not “UGH small talk makes ME feel awkward,” but rather “I’m doing them a favor by talking to them.”
Why? Imagine yourself at a party. Nobody’s really talking to you so you just fade into the background. Right before you pull out your phone so you’re not just standing there like a loser, somebody comes up to you and says, “Hey, I’m John.”
AWESOME! If that happened, you’d feel so grateful to John for walking up to you and engaging — because it’s way less awkward to not do anything than to take that first step.
This also implies a confidence in yourself, another key ingredient to charisma and popularity. You don’t need a clever line or funny statement — your name and a plain spoken “hey” is engaging.
As long as you remember that you’re doing them a favor by talking to them, it makes the process MUCH easier.
Conversation starter #3: “How do you know X?”
A while back, I was at a friend’s birthday party. When I showed up, it turned out that I didn’t really know very many people there. So instead of hanging off of my friend the entire party and monopolizing her time, I simply went around to everyone I didn’t know and asked, “So how do you know Michelle?”
It turned out that was a fantastic conversation starter because we were all there to support our friend Michelle. And from that one line, I was able to learn so much about the people I was talking to.
Look, I get it. It’s really hard sometimes to just make the first jump into a conversation. However, if there’s already a shared connection between you and the other person, the process becomes much easier. This also directly leads to popularity — connecting with many people!
Capitalize on any shared connection then. Variations on “How do you know X?” can be things like:
Who do you know here?
Why are you at this party/event/convention?
How long have you been doing X?
Keep the conversation going
Once you start the conversation, congrats! The hardest part is done.
However, that doesn’t mean you should just sit back and let the other person do all the work for you. If you don’t make sure to keep the other person engaged and ask thought provoking questions, it’ll be easy to let the conversation die.
To that end, you can be an active listener and ask great questions based on their answers.
When you watch people who are really socially skilled converse, they will ask a question, listen, and then make a statement based on that answer.
If you’re still confused, a solid rule of thumb is to ask 2-3 questions and then make a statement as well.
When you’re talking to someone, think to yourself, “Where can I add value? What connections can I draw between us?”
Take a look at the two examples below. Can you see why one is bad and the other one is good?
Bad example:
You: “Where are you from?”
Them: “Michigan.”
You: “How long have you been there?”
Them: “Two years.”
You: “Oh, do you like it?”
Them: “Yeah, I really like—”
You: “What brought you here?”
TERRIBLE. This conversation is entirely hypothetical and I’m still cringing. You’re not involving yourself in the conversation — and as a result, you’re not adding value. All this does is make you seem like someone who simply asks questions. Don’t do this.
Good example:
You: “Where are you from?”
Them: “Michigan.”
You: “Oh, I’ve been to Michigan before. I actually grew up in Phoenix but live in Chicago — pretty close by.”
Them: “Oh, really? How long have you been there?”
BOOM. Now you’ve successfully engaged this other person and established a connection with them — all by sharing something simple about yourself.
#5: Don’t worry too much about body language
People have come up with all sorts of weird tricks for improving your body language. Google “body language,” and you’ll learn all sort of interesting new words: mirroring, foot direction, power posing. Stuff nobody in the real world cares about or notices.
The only thing you really need to remember is SETHE.
Yes, named it after myself. No I don’t regret it for a moment. Why? Because the system WORKS. SETHE goes like this:
Smile. If you’re not used to smiling, it can feel totally unnatural. Practice letting your smile “fill your face.” I used to videotape myself speaking to find out I wasn’t smiling enough. It gets easier once you start practicing.
Energy. Take whatever level you’re at, and add 50% more energy into your voice and movement. What feels weird to you is NORMAL to everyone else.
Talk slowly. Slow down what you’re saying by 50%. It will feel sluggish, but this is perfect for everyone else. Enunciate your words to help slow down. Young Ramit got way ahead using this one tip.
Hands. Experiment with your hands to find your comfort zone when speaking. How do you feel when you leave yourself more “open,” or gesture more?
Eye contact. Study how socially skilled people use eye contact. How long do they look at someone? Where do they look after disconnecting? By testing, you’ll find what works for you.
Don’t try to work on every one of these basics at the same time. Don’t overthink it. Work on your body language piece by piece to improve one thing at a time — this isn’t a race. I want you to listen to people you’re talking to, not try to remember SETHE. You literally have your entire life to get good at this. Try one improvement the next time you go out until you feel comfortable, then move on to the next.
Check out this video of an interview I conducted with Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth. In it, she outlines how eye contact, presence, and mindset can dramatically impact how charismatic the person is. She also explains why most social skills advice is garbage and shares what actually works, including:
At 2:16 — A common, habitual problem millennials tend to have that makes them seem overeager, insecure, and nervous (you could be doing this and not even know)
At 7:00 — Two easy ways to instantly become more present in conversations (even when you’re bored or tired)
At 12:40 — The single biggest inhibitor to charisma and how to correct it
Check it out:
#6: Give authentic observational compliments
When it comes to complimenting, I’m not talking about hollow praise like “I like your shirt.” I mean genuine compliments that show people you’re listening to them. People love to feel “heard” and people love to hear about themselves. (Why do you think astrology is so popular?)
“The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.”
People aren’t stupid. They know a weak compliment (or “flattery” as Carnegie called it) when they hear it. They also know the value of a good authentic compliment and appreciate it.
The observational compliment goes a step beyond “Nice dress” or “I like your tie” and shows the person you’re complimenting that they have EARNED your appreciation.
For example:
Bad compliment: “You do some pretty cool stuff.”
Observational compliment: “You know, you seem pretty adventurous. I know a lot of management consultants, but I don’t think any of them would go skydiving in their off time. That’s pretty cool.”
See the difference? The first one isn’t authentic and people will pick up on that.
The second one is much better — and it works for two reasons:
People LOVE to hear about themselves. This is the reason things like the Myers-Briggs test and astrology are so popular.
It shows that you’re LISTENING. People love to feel heard,and when you’re able to showcase that you were paying attention to what they were saying, they’re going to respond well to your compliment.
This general framework works for any number of observational compliments. Find one that works for you.
Other examples:
“You know, you must love doing [marketing] at Acme. I can hear how excited you are about that new project.”
“So you’re a management consultant, but you go scuba diving every weekend… you must really be the adventurous type.”
“Something I noticed about you, Susan, is that you really notice the details. Most people don’t bother [going through all the feedback and comments], but I notice you do so every Thursday.”
Remember, you can’t fake observational compliments. People will recognize inauthenticity immediately. So make sure your observational compliments are genuine.
#7: Practice starting a conversation with charisma games
Here’s what I want you to do today. Not tomorrow. Not a week from now. TODAY.
If you’re reading this before bedtime, do it as soon as you can when you wake up.
In order to help exercise your charisma muscles, I want you to play two games. That’s right. Who said self-development couldn’t be fun?
They are:
The 60-Seconds Game
The Compliments Game
Check them out below in an infographic that someone told me is good for SEO:
#8: Practice introducing yourself by networking
Utilizing these skills, you’ll be able to leave fantastic impressions on people and introduce yourself to anyone you want. Be sure to put them to good work by building your network.
Of course, this is just the beginning. In your journey to become a more charismatic and popular person, you’ll want to hone your skills as much as you can. That’s why I want to offer you a more advanced lesson on body language.
Recap and a body language video recommendation
Make a good first impression through engaging conversations
Leverage effective body language
Dole out authentic, observational compliments
Your body language has a HUGE impact on how other people see you, as well as how you feel about yourself.
Like the SETHE Technique I shared above, you can improve your body language with just a few small changes and you’ll make yourself 99% more likable than most people — but that’s just the beginning. Sign up below and I’ll send you a video showing exactly how to do this.
If you’re a college student, your summers will go one of two ways:
You’ll party with your friends every single night until school starts again
You’ll work at an internship (and party with your coworkers every single night until school starts again)
If you fall into the second group, congrats! Don’t go too crazy and remember to show up to the office on time.
However, if you’re in the first one, I want you to smack yourself. Then I want you to find an internship. Not only will they offer you a leg up when it’s time to find a job in your industry, they’ll also help you establish meaningful connections with people that can help you in the future. Ask any recent college grad who is having trouble finding a job what their regrets are, and I guarantee they’ll say they wish they had more internships.
Years ago, I got a job as an intern at Sun Microsystems. I actually ended up beating out several Stanford MBA students for the job…as a sophomore in college.
That’s right. A skinny teenage college student beat out people getting their masters in business for an internship. And I landed the role because one key element separated me and the rest of the other applicants: I was a truffle.
The Truffle Principle
Interns are like salt.
Salt is a commodity. You don’t care which brand of salt you get…they’re all the same to you. You can substitute one brand of salt for another and nobody would be able to tell the difference. And as a result, the price of commodity salt is extremely low.
Much like interns.
Interns are easily substitutable bodies that only serve to fill headcount requirements. You do NOT want to be a commodity. I’ll say that again:
YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A COMMODITY.
If you are, you’re exactly the same as the next 100+ interns. And that means it’s harder to get hired, harder to stand out, and harder to get meaningful work and experience.
Instead of being salt, you want to be a truffle.
A truffle is so unique and valuable that people will pay disproportionately to get one. If you’re a truffle, hiring managers won’t be able to even conceive of substituting you because, through your application, you’ve shown that you can uniquely solve their problems so deeply that you’ll be considered “one of a kind.”
When that happens, not only have you secured the internship, but you have laid the foundation for increased job opportunities down the road.
That’s the Truffle Principle.
Why most internship applications don’t get read
A while back, I was hiring a content curation intern for IWT and received a TON of applications. In fact, so many apps came in that I could only afford to spend 15 seconds on each one.
Think about that. A hiring manager will receive 250+ applications in the first 48 hours of posting an internship opening. The vast majority of people consistently produce mediocre applications that look like everything else out there (salt). Yours must stand out (truffle).
Whenever I’m going through job applications for IWT, my first objective is always to DISQUALIFY people so I can move through the huge stack of apps.
When it came to the internship, I began to notice a few insights:
It only takes one bad line to disqualify yourself. For example, when I asked if the applicant was a self-starter and resourceful, one replied:
“For one, I am filling out this survey for the curation position, usually I would have glanced over it, thought to myself, ‘Wow, that seems like a cool job,’ and then tell myself, ‘I’m not qualified for it.’ Yet here I am wanting to learn and put myself out there.”
Your application is not a therapy session!!! Highlight why you’re the best for the position.
Every finalist, including the winning candidate, DID THE ACTUAL JOB instead of just talking about how good they were. They built a system that curated content and sent me a link to the system or a video of it working so I could see for myself. Now THAT’S a great way to stand out.
I could separate a salt from a truffle after the first 10-15 applications. Yes, it’s actually that easy to tell if someone is qualified for the role versus someone who isn’t worth the time to glance at the application.
It hurts to hear — but it’s true. Salt candidates will say, “Waaaahhh…you should spend more time to be fair.” Winning candidates already know this is how the game works, so they spend their time making sure their application stands out immediately.
Fight the Shrug Effect
I get it. It’s easy to brush all of this off. It’s much more comforting to say, “Yeah, but it’d be way easier to get an internship if I had connected parents/the right major/elite college/whatever.”
Don’t put up your own psychological barrier of why other people are different than you! That’s the Shrug Effect and it’s debilitating when it comes to applying to any sort of job.
Yes, maybe 5% – 10% of people who get the best jobs and internships were born with rich parents or they’re naturally gifted — but the rest of them worked their asses off, and that counts much more.
And that’s exactly what you’ll have to do if you want an internship.
Here are the 4 steps you can take today that’ll take you from being a salt applicant to a truffle.
How to get an internship
Step 1: Specify the exact role you want through SMART objectives
When people hear “get specific,” they’ll typically nod and shrug. “Yeah, yeah. Ramit, I got it.”
And yet hardly anyone actually does it!
For example, if I asked you right now, “What’s your dream internship?” how would you respond? 99.9999999% of us would say something like:
“I’m looking for an internship that’s challenging and rewarding.”
“I want to work with the guys on Suits.”
“I want to learn something that lets me really make an impact.”
“I want to work with people!”
Pure, unadulterated salt.
That’s because the problem with typical goal setting is that the goals set are too broad — and you have no idea where to start. So when you set a goal like, “I want to work with people,” you end up spinning your wheels.
That’s why I’m a big proponent of SMART objectives.
SMART stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-oriented. And with each element in SMART objectives, you’re going to want to ask yourself a set of questions that’ll help you develop a winning goal.
Specific. What will my goal achieve? What is the precise outcome I’m looking for? What do I want to learn from this internship?
Measurable. How will I know when I’ve accomplished the goal? What does success look like? What size company or industry do I want to target?
Attainable. Are there resources I need to achieve the goal? What are those resources? Do I have connections or unique abilities that could help me land a position? (Yes, you do.)
Relevant. Why am I doing this? Do I really WANT to do this? Is it a priority in my life right now? How does this internship improve my future?
Time-oriented. What is the deadline? Will I know in a few weeks if I’m on the right track? How long before intern season ends?
Knowing this, we’re going to want to reframe that “I want to work with people” goal into something much more specific and actionable, such as, “I want to intern in client management at a boutique advertising agency in fall 2017 using my sister’s ex-girlfriend to introduce me.”
Here are some other SMART objectives a truffle would have:
“I’m looking to intern in the inside sales department at a social networking company in Los Angeles to help my career in sales.”
“I’m interested in interning in development at a women’s issues nonprofit in Washington DC.”
“I want to intern at an independent publishing house focused on fiction in San Francisco to see if I really want to go into publishing.”
Do you see how much better the SMART objective is than just vague goal setting? When you get specific, you know exactly what you want. That way, when it comes time to go to your network and start asking around for internships, you’re not wasting anyone’s time by making them do the work for you.
In other words, if someone comes to me and says, “I don’t know what I want to do with my life,” that’s a long discussion that I, frankly, don’t want to have. If they say, “Do you know any sales managers at B2C tech companies in Silicon Valley?” I’ll introduce them to three within 10 minutes.
A while back I conducted an interview with my friend Noah Kagan. He’s a master at helping people get laser-focused on their goals. In fact, he actually helped me set the goal to write my first book.
Check out the video of our interview below. Pay special attention at 3:53 where he talks about the strategy that he learned from Mark Zuckerberg that has brought him success.
Bonus: If you want to stop making excuses and break yourself out of a rut, download my Ultimate Guide to Habits.
Step 2: Leverage your network to find the perfect internship
Luckily, if you’re in college, you already have a massive network you can draw upon to find internships. If you’re not in college, you’ll still be able to find a great internship — though you’ll have to be just a little more creative in your search.
Resources for internships can be broken up into these distinct areas:
College career center
Internet
Friends and family
From these areas, you’ll be able to draw upon a well of seemingly infinite internship opportunities.
College career center
If you’re in college and looking to get an awesome internship, you’re in luck. The vast majority of colleges and universities have career centers dedicated to finding you a job you’ll love. Some even offer services like resume consultations, mock interviews, and networking events. More on that later.
Any career center should have an updated database of internship opportunities available either at the actual center or online (most likely both). Your first step should be to go through this database and cull through it for the internships that are germane to you.
Remember that SMART objective you set? Use that as a parameter by which you’ll filter and decide on which internships you’ll apply to.
You should literally be writing down the information for each one — you’ll need it when you actually start the application process.
Internet
A few great sites to check out:
LinkedIn.Aside from being an amazing networking tool, LinkedIn provides a handy job search tool filled with companies looking for top talent.
Craigslist.You read that right. Up-and-coming businesses are constantly turning to Craigslist every day to look for interns, and it’ll be easy to set yourself apart from the rest with the Craigslist Penis Effect.
Internships.com.A great resource to find remote internships if you don’t feel like buying a plane ticket to fly across the country.
WayUp.Formerly Looksharp.com, this site offers opportunities from over 30,000 companies.
Go through these websites and do as you did with your college career center database. Write down each one that’s relevant to you and your goals.
PRO TIP: Is there a company you’re already a big fan of? Maybe you love reading Cosmo? Or watching Conan every night? If it fits your SMART objective, be sure to check if there’s an internship at the company you admire — mention you are a fan on the application and why that makes you better than the other 249 applicants (already know the house style, how Conan picks his video games, how Anna Wintour likes her coffee, etc…).
Use your family and friends to network
Be sure to talk to your friends, parents, parents’ friends, parents’ friends’ friends, your friend’s friend’s uncle twice removed…
You get the picture. There are a lot of companies that offer internships — companies the people you know already work at.
So ask around! Not only might you find an internship you love, but you already have a leg up on the application process because you KNOW a person working there (I’ll touch on that more when we talk about referrals).
Keep it all organized
Be sure to record all of the internships you’ve found in a Google or Excel spreadsheet so you can keep track of them all as you’re applying.
When recording, I suggest you write down the company name and role, the length of the internship, a due date, and whether or not you’ve applied yet — at MINIMUM.
When you put it together, here’s what it might look like:
Company – Role
Internship length
Due date
Applied
IWT – Editorial Intern
Summer 2017
05/16
Yes
CAA – Script Reader
Fall 2017
06/06
Yes
Of course, you can be as detailed as you want with your spreadsheet and include things like application requirements and whether or not you need an essay.
Be sure to keep your spreadsheet updated and safe. It will come in very handy when you’re actually applying to the internship.
Step 3: Find the perfect referral
This is typically where the Shrug Effect comes in. People LOVE to talk about how they don’t have a network so they can’t get referrals. When I ask them, “Well, who have you tried to reach out to?” they respond with a blank look and shrug.
SALT: “I tried but I just don’t know anyone! I emailed a couple friends but they have no idea. It’s frustrating when it’s all about WHO you know. How can they expect me to know all these people when I’m just a student?”
TRUFFLE: “First, I checked my LinkedIn profile and sent out some emails. I tested 3 emails and the third is performing best — I’m getting a 50% response rate. I set up 3 coffee meetings for next week. Then I went into my college career office. I also mentioned exactly what I’m looking for when I was talking with professors, and one of them knew a director at a company I want to work for! So we are having coffee tomorrow.”
See the difference? The salt applicant just asked a few buddies before giving up. When truffles decide to find an internship, they draw upon their network and connections to find the roles that aren’t even public.
They can send a few emails and bypass the entire hiring apparatus and get a meeting with a hiring manager. These will be friends who’ll vouch for them saying, “You really need to talk to this person,” which profoundly changes the tenor of the conversation.
Put yourself in the hiring manager’s shoes and imagine being introduced to someone who you “need to talk to” rather than a random applicant desperate for college credit and a little bit of money. Who do you think would get your interest?
Once you find a few potential referrals, you should ask them to…well, refer you. This can be as simple as taking them out to coffee or shooting them an email.
Here’s a template you can use to meet just about anyone along with analysis on why it works.
To: Jane
From: Samantha
Subject: Michigan State grad — would love to chat about your work at Deloitte
Hi Jane,
My name is Samantha Kerritt. I go to school at Michigan State and came across your name on our alumni site. [TELL THEM HOW YOU CAME ACROSS THEIR NAME SO YOU DON’T SEEM LIKE A CREEP.]
I’d love to get your career advice for 15-20 minutes. I’m looking to get an internship at the Acme Company and know that you’ve worked there before. [THE FIRST SENTENCE SAYS WHAT SHE WANTS. MOST PEOPLE ARE FLATTERED THAT PEOPLE WANT/VALUE THEIR ADVICE.]
Do you think I could ask you some questions about your role at Acme and what motivated you to choose the company? I’d especially love to know how you made your choices after graduating from Michigan State. [“MICHIGAN STATE” REINFORCES SHARED BOND.]
I can meet you for coffee or at your office…or wherever it’s convenient. I can work around you! [THE BUSY PERSON IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU. TREAT THEM ACCORDINGLY.]
Would it be possible for us to meet? [A BUSY PERSON CAN SIMPLY REPLY TO THIS WITH A “YES” — PERFECT. NOTE THAT I DIDN’T ASK FOR THE TIME/LOCATION AS THAT’S TOO MUCH INFORMATION IN THE FIRST EMAIL.]
Thanks,
-Samantha
One of the best things about this email is its brevity. There’s zero fat in the message and it just tells the recipient what she needs to know.
PRO TIP: Remember that spreadsheet? Referrals are a perfect addition to it if you want to keep them organized as well — it is super awkward if you ask the same person for two referrals.
Step 4: Expertly prepare for the application and interview
Yet another area where salt applicants are willing to shrug off. “Yeah, yeah. I know I need to prepare.”
You don’t just “need to prepare.” You need to be willing to go above and beyond what “needs” to be done in order to be ready for the interview.
SALT: “I spent an hour browsing their website and Googling around for news about them. I also talked to a friend on the phone for 5 minutes about what kind of questions he thought I should expect.”
TRUFFLE: “I’d already met with 3 people on the team before the interview, so I knew exactly what their challenges were, and even the words they used to describe them. I wrote all those notes down, then compared them with what I found on the web. Then I crafted my narrative. I invited a friend over — he’s a management consultant so he knows how to ask tough questions — and we conducted a mock interview for 2 hours. I recorded the video and stopped every 15 minutes to calibrate.”
Sound hard? Good. Most people won’t do the hard work, giving you the upper hand when you DO.
The people who put in 2x the effort get back 10x the results. Yes, you’ll have to work harder — BUT you’ll get the first pick of internships, while other people fight over scraps.
Create a mouthwatering resume
The resume is often make or break when it comes to job applications. That’s why you’re going to want to craft one that’ll leave the hiring manager clamoring to hire you.
Before you start writing down every job you have including going door-to-door selling girl scout cookies, you need to know the two elements that it takes to create a fantastic resume:
It needs to have a narrative.
Great resumes aren’t just a list of facts. If that’s all that’s in your resume, you’re not going to be memorable enough to catch the hiring manager’s attention in 15 seconds.
Instead, craft a narrative. Ask yourself, “After someone reads my resume for 10 seconds, what is the one thing they should remember about me?”
Cut the fat — leave the filet mignon
The second most important part of crafting a world-class resume is cutting the fat. Every word must earn its place on the page. If it’s not adding to and improving the narrative, cut it. If it is, ask if there’s another word or phrase that would do the job better.
I’ve hired dozens of people at IWT. That means reading thousands of resumes. Most of them were 1-2 pages and 50% – 60% of it could have been deleted. When I see resumes like this, I assume that they don’t know how to write a resume (not a good sign) or they don’t have anything better to share.
Don’t do this. Make every word count. It’s better to have a shorter, more meaningful resume than a long one filled with garbage.
Check out my 15-minute video on creating a winning resume. In it, I show you the exact techniques as well as the resume I used to land me all of my internships in college.
PRO TIP: Remember to keep referring to your spreadsheet to make sure you’ve applied to all of the internships on your list by marking “yes” in the applied column.
Dominate your interview with The Briefcase Technique
This is one of my absolute favorite techniques to utilize in interviews, salary negotiations, client proposals — whatever! And the beauty of it is that you’ve already done 90% of the work before you walk into the interview.
To any boss or hiring manager, the best incentive to give you an internship is knowing that you WILL add value to the company. Knowing this, you’re going to want to prepare a case for yourself to showcase how you’re a person completely deserving of the position.
That’s why I want you to utilize The Briefcase Technique and compile a proposal showcasing the specific areas in the company wherein you can add value. You’re going to bring this 1-5 page proposal with you when you interview, so you can pull out the document and outline how exactly you’re going to solve the company’s challenges during the interview.
Simply say, “I’d love to show you something I put together,” and then literally pull out your proposal document detailing the pain points of the company and EXACTLY how you can help them. IWT bonus points if you actually use a briefcase.
By identifying the pain points the company is experiencing, you can show the hiring manager where specifically you’re going to add value — making you a very valuable hire.
I go into even more detail on The Briefcase Technique in this 2-minute video. Check it out below.
Of course, because you’re a winner, you’re going to want to prep even more for the interview. So here are a few great resources from IWT that’ll help you:
Always remember: For your interview, what do SALT applicants do? And what should a TRUFFLE applicant do?
I want to give you a head start. Today, I’m giving you access to a video on how to master the art of interviewing. In the video, you’ll meet Karen — a recent college graduate with no experience who used my Dream Job material and coaching to land not just one, but TWO dream jobs. You can use the same strategy to get an amazing internship you’ll love.
![[The Stages of Financial Freedom]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_srLKkZoMC-aofM5cSQMYzNpBB2gb4CpJ1z17Up9u57LqvaPqSDq2kr7OOoGIONe8G80t3rCQ5AaA=s0-d "It took me far longer to create this graphic than you might expect. I am not a graphic artist.")
